


I Was Crying When I Met You, Now I'm Trying To Forget You

by orphan_account



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angels, Angst, Cutting, Death, Dreams, Flashback, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-17
Updated: 2011-04-17
Packaged: 2017-10-18 05:18:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/185452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you just have to break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Was Crying When I Met You, Now I'm Trying To Forget You

"It's been over a year. Over a year since I held you in my arms, since you gave me that smile... Since your fingers have touched the Bass. More than a year without your smile, without your laugh... Without your touch... God... You're fading. I'm so afraid I'm gonna lose you... I can't forget - I can't..." Adam lost his words and dropped to his knees, splattering himself with mud from the fresh rain that had fallen the day before.

He closed his eyes tightly, clenched them shut. Suddenly, he opened them. "You're still here... I still feel you..." a few tears fell and he choked back a sob as he wrapped his arms around himself. "Tommy... God... Why was it you? Why couldn't it have been me?"  
He can still hear the crunching of metal and glass, still feel his terror. He can still hear Tommy's horrified scream.

His arm still aches where he was hit. And if he concentrates hard enough, he can still feel the way Tommy was tucked against his body when they were hit.

It had been a pretty good night, really. They were headed back to the hotel for the night and all decided they could cram into one bus. It was a short drive and they were all really talkative. Adam had just offered his room up for the party that he knew was coming and everyone agreed that it was a good idea. Tommy nuzzled into him, pulling Adam's arm around his shoulders and kissing Adam hard. Everyone went to pack their things up to haul them to their rooms.

"I don't think you shoulda offered your room up," Tommy whispered, nuzzling Adam again.

"Oh yeah? Why not?" Adam teased.

"I had other plans," Tommy said with a wink. They sat together for a while, content to cuddle and kiss. "Hey, Adam? I gotta go use the bathroom."

Adam tightened his hold a little bit. "Can't you wait just a minute? We've gotta be close."

"Yeah. Sure."

Tommy sat up a little, and before they knew what happened, metal crunched. Everyone screamed, and Adam tried to tighten his hold on Tommy, but he couldn't.

When they got off the buss, he was happy to see that everyone was accounted for. It had been a drunk driver, they assumed it from the slurred yelling from the car.

"Oh God," Adam said, looking around. "God... No... Where... Where's Tommy?" his voice cracked and he was frantic.

He could hear sirens, see flashing lights, but suddenly he couldn't care less. All he wanted was Tommy.

"Tommy?" he cried the name out, repeated it like a prayer, with growing intensity every time he said it.

When he got around the bus, he thought he was going to die. All he could see was red, red, red everywhere. Then he saw a gurney. There was a body on it, completely covered with a sheet.

"Tommy," he cried out. "God, no... Tommy!"

He managed to pull the sheet down. The image of his Glitterbaby's torn face has never left him since.

He doesn't remember much of what happened after that. He blacked out for a while and when he woke up, his mom and dad were there. Crying.

Nothing had been the same since that day. He couldn't even bring himself to sing most days. The first and last time he went out was to Tommy's funeral.he revealed their relationship there. Tommy would have wanted it. They were going to. They were planning it.

Since then, the farthest he went was to the grave and back home. Everything seemed to lose meaning after that night. They had canceled the rest of the tour after the incident. People understood.

Some days were good. Some were harder. Friends had been in and out, his parents too. But when everyone was gone, that emptiness returned. They tried to get him to move on - set him up on dates. But he never went. He couldn't bring himself to.

But when he would lie down at night, he had a strange feeling. Almost as though someone was stroking his arm. And then it felt like someone up against him, pushing in-between his arms. He heard ghosts of laughter. He heard his name in the low voice Tommy used to use. And he knew he was there. And everything was right in those moments.

Then he would wake up, and the emptiness returned. That was the hardest part of the day. The wishing, hoping, BELIEVING that Tommy would be there. Even after a year, none of it seemed real.

All that was left was pain.

Adam trailed his hands through the soft mud, not minding the dirt and grime slowly covering him. Tommy was there... He was really there - six feet under his body. He let out a low sob and wrapped his arms around himself. Light, ever so lightly, he touched the headstone, shuddering at the coldness of the thing.

"God I miss you, Tommy... So fucking much..." his arms wrapped around himself again as a chill passed through his body, causing him to shudder. "I love you, Tommy. I love you... I just wanna be with you again... I just... Want to... Be with you."

Adam wanted to die. He'd never felt such a strong desire for it, but now he did.

He pushed himself away from the ground, away from Tommy. "I love you..." he whispered it one last time before turning away, stumbling back to his condo on foot. He didn't care that it had started to rain - it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

And that was the mindset he was in an hour later as he sat, holding two objects in his hand. One, a picture. Tommy smiled up at him, almost taunting. He gasped, remembering the exact moment the picture had been taken. It was one of the few Tommy had ever smiled in, and Adam loved it dearly.

In his other hand, he held a knife. It was the first one he stumbled on in the kitchen, and he figured it would do just as well as any other. The edge gleamed and he ran his thumb over it, watching his blood bead on it in cold fascination.

He choose to do it in the bathroom. It'd be less of a mess - he didn't want to caused any more trouble then he already had. He knew the knife would hurt more and take longer, but it was cleaner than a gun.

He had no note. He didn't need one - he didn't want one. All he needed was Tommy, and Tommy wasn't fucking here anymore. And it was Adam's fault... If he'd just let him go to the bathroom,,, but none of that mattered now, because soon, he'd be with Tommy.

He shivered in anticipation as he braced the blade against his forearm and made the first deep cut, holding back his breathless cry. Pain was nothing anymore. He just wanted Tommy... Tommy...

He made a twin mark on the other one, then carefully put the blade over his vein in his wrist. That was all it would take - to simply open the vein. It would only be a minute, maybe two, and he'd bleed out.

"I love you, Tommy," he murmured, pressing the blade down. Suddenly he couldn't do it. The blade clattered to the floor and he wrapped his arms around himself. He was crying, confused, scared, and in pain. And fucking tired. He was losing a lot of blood, but he didn't care. He knew if he went to bed, he probably wouldn't wake up. So that what he did.

He buried himself in the blankets and sobbed himself to sleep.

When he slept, Tommy was there. He ran to him, wrapping the smaller man tightly in his arms. "Tommy, God, I missed you. So much..."

And Tommy pulls back, taking Adam's forearm and looking down at the gushing wound. "What did you do, Adam?" A tear trails down his cheek and Adam pulls him close.

"I love you, Tommy... I had to... I couldn't go on without you... I had to be with you..."

He heard Tommy sob. "Fuck, Adam... You're not dead, baby... You're not dead... Thank fucking God... If you were I'd have to kill you again... So fucking stupid..."

"I-I'm not dead?" Adam was quiet. He buried his face in Tommy's hair, inhaling the familiar scent.

"No... You're mom came in... She found you before you could... Fuck, Adam. You're in a hospital. You're in a fucking hospital because of me."

"I needed you... Tommy, I need you. I can't do this anymore... I can't..." Adam let his tears fall freely. He didn't want this to end. He didn't want to wake up because he knew Tommy wouldn't be there.

The small body pulled him closer, allowed him to lean down and supported all of Adam's weight. "You can, baby," Tommy whispered. "You can and you have to... You can't just give up on life..."

Adam chucked back a sob, attempting to still his body, but it didn't work. "I miss you, Tommy."

"I know, baby, I miss you too... But... I'm here. I'll always be here - even if you can't see me..."

And Adam felt another tear fall. Tommy groaned sadly and wiped the tear away. He pressed his lips into Adam's and his arms went tighter around him. "I love you, Adam. Don't ever forget that."

"I love you too," Adam managed, choking on tears and barely forcing the words out.

"Shhh... Baby, shush," Tommy's hands stroked his hair soothingly. "If you love me... Then go on for me. Live your life."

Adam shook against Tommy, but he nodded desperately. There was silence for a moment.

"I'm afraid," Adam whispered, clenching his eyes tightly.

"Of what?"

Adam pulled back, looking into Tommy's eyes, then simply burrows his face in the side of his neck again. "Being alone," it was barely a whisper - just a brush of wind.

"Oh, baby..." Tommy sighed sadly. "You're not alone... You have your parents and Monte. Sasha still comes by. You have Taylor and Terrance and Cam. Baby, Lisa even comes by. And you have me... I'll always be here, baby. Waiting for you."

Adam clenched Tommy as close as he could. "I don't wanna go back... I don't want to leave you..."

Tommy pressed light kisses to Adam's temple. "It'll be okay, babyboy. I promise."

And Adam smiled at the familiar name. "You have to go back now, Adam."

"I know," Adam whispered, breath light on Tommy's skin. He felt so tired. All he wanted to do was sleep, but not now. Not with Tommy so close. He wouldn't waste a minute of it.

Tommy kissed his lips one last time. "I love you, babyboy."

"I love you too, Glitterbaby," was the familiar response, given against Tommy's lips.

"Open your eyes..."

And when he did, he was staring up at white. His breath came in a gasp and he felt like he was choking for a moment, then it was gone.

His mom was there, and so was his dad. Neil sat in the corner of the room, head in his hands. That's what Adam noticed when he looked around.  

"Adam!" Leila sounded frantic as she pulled him into a hug. "Oh, baby, oh... I thought we'd lost you!"

He could feel her tears and cautiously wrapped his arms around her, realizing how weak he really was. "I'm okay, mom. You didn't lose me."

She pulled back quickly and wiped at her eyes with shaking hands. "Adam, how could you do that?"

Adam just laid back and looked across at Neil, who had suspiciously red-rimmed eyes.

"Never, ever do that again!" he heard his mom shriek, and he looked up at her.

"I won't..." he whispered, wrapping arms around himself, trying to hold himself together. He felt like he was just going to fall apart, fall to pieces.

"Oh, Adam..." he looked up at Leila again. She cupped his chin and pressed her lips to his forehead. "You scared me. I thought I lost my baby boy forever."

Adam's hands clenched in near-pain at the nickname. Tommy flashed across his mind again.

"How long have you been in here, mom?" he tried to forget it, push the blond out of his mind.

"A long time," she smiled weakly. "I lost track," she confessed.

"A day," Neil supplied, sounding tired.

Adam's arms wrapped around himself again. "You should go get food... I'll still be here when you get back. I'm outta danger, right?" he laughed and it even sounded forced to his own ears.

"Okay... Okay baby. We'll be back soon, okay?" she lightly touched his arm and he smiled a weak smile. Neil and Leila left, but Eber stood behind a little.

"Hey dad," Adam said quietly, dreading whatever was to come.

"Adam..." he sounded - not mad, but not just sad. There was an edge to his voice. "Why did you do that?"

And that was it. Adam couldn't hold it back. He broke. He curled into himself and just let the tears fall. He didn't care how loud he was. Eber pulled him against his chest and pet his head like he did when Adam was little, and Adam clung to him, needing something to hold him down. He shook with the force of his sobs. "Shhh..." Eber said. "Don't hyperventilate, Adam. It'll make it worse."

When his tears subsided to hiccups, Eber chanced it again. "What's up, Adam? You gotta talk to me, kid."

"I can't do it... I can't do it, dad," Adam shook and still he held tight to Eber. He needed to feel someone close.

"Can't do what, Adam? What can't you do?" he sounded confused, near to panic.

"I miss him... I miss him so much," the words were hard to push out, but he felt a little better when he did.

"Tommy? Adam... You know we all miss him."

Adam pulled back, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He made a small, frantic nod. "I know... But it's not the same. It's not the same, the way we miss him... He was everything, dad... Everything. I know I should move past this. But it's hard. I don't wanna forget him... I can't forget him."

"Adam," his dad pulled him into a hug again, then sat back, looking into his eyes. "You don't have to forget, okay? You don't have to."

Adam nodded, smiling a small smile. "I miss him... So much."

"I know," Eber said quietly. "Adam... You font have to forget, but you can't give up on life - Tommy wouldn't want that. He would want you to go on - live your life and honor his."

"I know... I know, it's just so hard..." Adam made a split-second decision. "Dad... When I passed out, Tommy came to me in a dream... Or a vision... Whatever the fuck you would call it."

"He did? What'd he say?" Eber was looking straight into his eye, not even showing a flicker of disbelief.

"He was angry with me. I made him cry. God, I'm so selfish. He told me I had to live my life - that he was still here and waiting, but I had to go on." And somehow, when the words were out, he felt a little better.

"Do you believe that?"

"Yeah... Yeah, I think I do," and for the first time in a year, Adam smiled a true smile.


End file.
